Harimedia Forum

Dear Hari,

I have a question (or two) that arouse from my work. My job is to listen to people and offer them some comfort and possible guidance in their respective situations. Possibly it is the lonliness during the Midsummer days that causes a big amount of certain type of clients calling to me. These are ladies that found themselves in love triangle, being the second women there.

Now, having to comfort a person in such a situation has often, in my job, two possible ways. One has a background in doctrine that says breaking a marriage is bad. Then the advisor will suggest that the person leaves the man (and his family) alone and does not have any relationship with such a man (for her own good). The other suggestion stems from the New Age doctrine that says breaking marriage is OK, if love is over one should not stay in a relationship. Even this line may suggest that woman should keep a distance but this time while waiting and sometimes insisting that man makes a swift decission to divorce.

In reality, this situation is very complicated and both of the doctrines are used by all involved to protect themselves, to justify their own needs and action, convince themselves and others that it is not them that are the bad guys in the situation. Unfortunatelly, to make things even more difficult, there are often children involved wich makes a triangle a square or a pentagram.

Now, to my first problem. As a woman and a child of the divorced parents I am really not a advocate of divorces. As a human being I am not for people hanging in the situations that are harmful or unproductive to them. As a consultant I am supposed to be objective (as much as that is possible as I am conditioned by above) and see to the best of my client. Sometimes I have difficulties supporting a woman that insist that it is her right to overturn somebodies life (childrens in particular) for her love. Supporting it makes me feel directly responsible for it, involved in somebodies elses hard hit while standing on the wrong side. I am not in a position where I can do much for that other woman and those children and I am fully aware how difficult it is going to be for them. It is just part of my nature to want to be there where the blow hits. I am not sure how to deal with the feelings of reluctance that this situation causes me. Any words of wisdom by you on that subject would be highly appreciated.

Then comes my question number two. I wonder if it really is so easy to stop loving someone and just give up on them? Many men and women do just that nowdays to their partners and their children, other relatives or friends. No matter how hard I try to think myself I cannot find one person that I wanted to cross from my list if I once felt some love for them, be it relatives, friends or whatever. Although I may have given that impression to some of them some time and could have probably kept a better conctact with them. Can love die, or was it love in the first place? You love someone that says he or she loves you and then one day they come and say they don´t feel like it any more and you stand there with your love and go "what?". Dad comes and says he loves you but he isn´t going to be around for he doesn´t love mom anymore. That there with love is a huge puzzle for me so if you ever feel like saying something more on the subject I will sure be listening.

Thanks and hope you have a nice Midsummer time.

At first glance, your questions seem complex and deserving of answers in the form of books, seminars, and conferences. As this has been done by many extremely qualified people before me, I do not feel I can add to this body of knowledge. Yet, there might be something I can propose to assist you in your incredibly difficult and important task.

As a therapist and counselor, your task is to bring resolution to controversial situations. As you have mentioned, there is no right and wrong. Part of you sympathizes with those forced to live without love and part of you sympathizes with children forced to live in a divided family. No one can definitively answer these questions in a manner that works in all situations for every situation is different and all people are different.

Your job dictates that you are neutral. You have to work for the best interests of all people involved. You have to care about husbands, wives, children and the law. You have to follow the principles of the psychological disciplines in which you are trained. Most of all, in each situation you have to do what you feel is right and best for all. If you come to the session with a preconceived notion borne of your religious background or your acquired alternative ideals, you will block the progress of the talks as you push the direction of what takes place according to what you think should be done rather than what the family members think should be done. This would erode your effectiveness as a therapist.

Is it always in all situations correct for people to remain married? Are there any reasons why they should not? If you think there can never be divorce for any reason, then you should not be a counselor but rather you should put a sign in your office stating, "Forget how you feel. No matter what you say I will decide you should stay married regardless of your pain." How many customers will you have? Better to just let them work it out amongst themselves for this is why you are there -- to give them the forum within which this can be achieved.

Thus the therapist or counselor has to become a mediator. As a mediator, your task is to insure that all parties involved express themselves to their complete satisfaction and are heard by all the other parties involved. This is often done by asking the right questions to the right person at the right time. The most important part of the mediation is getting everyone involved to understand the position of the other. You do not need to have them agree, for complete agreement is difficult, but you should endeavor to get them to understand the positions of the others, for when they are aware of the entire picture solutions tend to manifest as the passionate members of the conflict become more reasonable. Sometimes you have to induce one party to place themselves in the position of the other and suggest alternative modes of resolution. The hardest part of mediation is awakening in each member of the conflict awareness of the other party's pain and difficulty.

When this is done, and as you know this is no easy task, the next stage is to negotiate an acceptable resolution. Naturally, no one will be happy when they walk out of the room for no one is happy with life shattering conflict, but if at least they have together grafted an agreement they can move on with their lives.

But what if one party wishes to remain in a marriage and the other does not? What if the one who wishes to remain will not budge and will never accept divorce? What if they do so to maintain external appearances or to have some semblance of a family and refuse to change this?

At that point, the negotiation could be centered on how to maintain that shaky alliance for the sake of accomplishing the goals. This is also a negotiation and it also can only occur if there was such awareness of the other’s needs that both understood the requirement to negotiate peace.

Violent divorce or hostile divorces are handled by courts and would not be something you would ever deal with. There are laws to determine how such disputes are handled and judges who interpret the laws by passing down judgement that all have to accept by force. This is the least desirable form of separation, yet nowadays sometimes the only form possible.

Your one and only task has to be to facilitate the conflicting parties finding an acceptable means to continue with life. While these people are working out their problems they will feel pain, hardship, suffering, and one of the greatest traumas in their lives. Your skill as a mediator has to be melded with your compassionate heart as a therapist. You can always be there to support them and offer them whatever you can to assist them. It would be wrong of you to say, "Yes, dear, I understand that husband of yours is a real brute and I am so sorry you have to live with this." Rather you should simply be there for them and offer them a response according to what they require in the mood of, "I cannot understand the pain you are going through, but I am here to assist you lessen that pain in whatever way I can." Taking sides is not empathy, it increases the friction. Being supportive is welcome by all.

As far as your second question goes, "Is it possible to stop loving someone you once loved?" This is a good question. I have deeply loved in my life and due to circumstances have been distanced from those I love. Sometimes I have initiated that distance and at other times they have initiated that distance. I feel love goes on regardless, but I may not wish to have close contact with those people who I did not want to be around any longer. I also may wish to be around those who decided they did not want to be around me, but I have to accept that it cannot be. In a nutshell, love is complex. Once you love someone, even hating them later on does not change the love that was once there and which lingers somewhere deep inside and under the proper conditions can surface again. This is one of life's greatest challenges.

Can love die? Well, yes and no. If it was really there in the first place, it can be shocked out of existence, covered over by time, transferred in its intensity to others who are more relevant to our lives at present, or any of a myriad of possibilities. Does this mean the love died or that we transferred our love elsewhere? What does this say about the nature of love? I suppose it is everyone's task to decide for themselves the answer to this question.

I think the only way in which love matters is when we feel it. As it is a feeling, it can only be experienced when we feel it. Simply being loved by others is not enough. Only the love we feel is real to us. It is great when those we love, love us too, but it is not their love that is most significant to us, it is our love for them. Therefore when we stop feeling love for someone, love for that person has died for us. Sometimes that is sad.