Harimedia Forum

Dear Hari,
question from russian forum. Author - OLEG ua.

Hello, Hari!
I am former ISCCON member. I have left ISCCON at the same time as you. I lived with the spirit I have received in ISCCON, I have read a lot of spiritual literature, and the spiritual searching has become my life basing. But there is a problem. I have completely ceased understanding people. I oppress by their morals and acts, ideals and aspirations. I feel myself defective, small and defenseless. I have to contact people due my activity, and it introduces a great confusion in my soul and heart. Now I do not see the meaning in my earthy existence! Please, help me understand. What did I wrong and how to manage it?

Thank You! Your (uninitiated) disciple, Oleg.

You have expressed your problems as:

* You cannot understand people.
* You feel oppressed by their morality, deeds, ideals and aspirations.
* You feel that you are small, defective and defenseless.
* You are confused and see no meaning in life.

This is quite a package for me to deal with in a forum like this!

Do you try to understand people or do you base your perception of them on some idea of what they should be? If you have a generalized preconceived notion of how people should be then everyone you meet will either have to fit within your ideal or be considered by you as somehow not good enough to relate to you in a meaningful way.

Do you find that your idea about yourself is also colored by this ideal into which you wish to fit others? In other words, do you find that you also lack the qualities and characteristics of an acceptable person? I suspect this could be the case, and if so, it would seem that this is the basis of your difficulty.

It might be advantageous for you to examine the basis upon which you judge others. I suggest you make a list of all the assumptions you have accepted as the standard by which everyone is measured. Get out paper and write down each and every thing you can think of that defines how you think people should be. Don't try to organize it, don't explain or analyze it, simply write down as fast as you can in a stream of consciousness list format the qualities and characteristics of a person who you would accept as good. Don't filter your thoughts in any way. Do not even filter out those qualities you feel you also do not have. Simply write down the complete definition of a proper person according to your present understanding.

Examine this list. Make a star next to those qualities or characteristics you feel personally deficient in. Study the list.

Then deeply consider the following point -- is this list coming from your own realization or have you accepted these qualities and characteristics as essential because you read them somewhere, heard them from others, or were taught to accept them as the basis of a proper life?

Go back to the list. Be meditative for a moment to contact your own thoughts and feelings. Consider how you really feel about the listed items and if they resonate well with you. Consider how you are not up to your own standards (if you are not) and consider the possibility that others who are also not up to the standard could still be honestly trying to become better in their own way, as you are.

The most important point is the realization of what items come from you and what items were accepted by you because you thought you should accept them. Obviously you have accepted what you wished to accept, but sometimes we accept something because we feel it should be accepted and not because we really do accept it in our hearts.

If and when you find that your list is not a very good one, rewrite it from your own heart considering how you are, how you feel, and how others might feel. When you go out into the world, try to understand people on a deeper level, for when you scratch the surface of others you might see they are not much different than you in most respects. Some are more advanced and some are less advanced, but we are all quite similar in most ways. The secret to good relations is to first understand people as deeply as you can for when you do so you will find their goodness. When you see their goodness struggling to manifest through their doubts, fears, anxieties, stress, and the desire to be loved, you will also contact all that is good within yourself. When you contact that goodness you will find meaning in your life.