Spiritual individuality vs. being lost in Brahman

[maha]

Dear Hari!

At the end of your wonderful lecture 20110108_First_Impression I asked a question about how one can hold on to his limiting believes and imposed roles in this world with the fear of loosing one's individuality. You mentioned that the question is very good but very vast and still you responded quite deliberately how our essense cannot be destroyed and thus you cannot even imagine how we could possibly loose our individuality.

I feel that I am still not satisfied with the answer as it has more dimensions to it in the light of my recent life experience.

It is well known that when one experiences deep frustrations in relationships blaming oneself for it which happens quite often in this world even within one lifetime one wishes to cease existing. And since we know that a physical death does not help it much, I suspect it can make deeper imprints on the soul level to not exist as a person. On the other hand this can be the deepest fear within - a fear not of a phisical death but of a spiritual death. Even though you have answered in the lecture that it is not possible, then how about a doctrinal knowledge of our on default spiritual identity as an impersonal spark of a Brahman and that a more advanced spiritual identity we still have to develop by spiritual practice?

I wouldn't have asked such a question if i had a direct and definite experience of my spiritual essense as a person in relations with the Divine, when insted there is a fear for personal relationships in this world and at the same time a fear of loosing my identity, what to speak of if I still hasn't developed it - a fear of never being able to develop it due to the other fears...

Thank you,

sincerely yours,

maha

[Hari]

If you will forgive me for paraphrasing your question, I hear:

"I screwed up, royally. I thought I was something, but crisis forced me to understand I was not that. I did not listen to good advice before (Oye, so why should I listen to it now?) and therefore the wonderful, merciful universe has punched me right on the nose and now I am bleeding. Therefore, I am going to sit in the corner and feel sorry for myself. But I am going to get bored with this rapidly, so I have to justify everything by making it into an existential crisis! I cannot really be spiritual and have a non-destructible essence if I can ruin myself totally and utterly by being an idiot! I know I am an idiot because what I wanted I cannot have because I ruined it. Therefore, all that I have heard recently here in these lectures is not working (I am the proof of that) and I will now fall back into the idea that I am nothing but a spiritual spark in some vast impersonal brahman without personality or qualities since I have proven that I do not have the right personality or qualities and I am worthless. I am a little nothing who is not good enough and who does not have the capacity to do anything right! And so, I am filled with fear since this concept means I shall lose myself totally! I need this and do not want this! I want this and cannot stand this! I embrace it and fear it. Aaargh, I cannot stop living! I am stuck with me! HEEEELLLLLPPPP!"

Yah, yah. The question really should be, why does it take a disaster to make us understand ourselves? What stops us from accepting who we are and acting appropriately? You know, you are a really good person. Why not just act like that? Why not be helpful to others in a manner relevant to them, and truly love and care about other people?

NOT GOOD ENOUGH! Once again. That nasty, persistent conviction that we just cannot give up. That deep resonating fear causing us to always be off balance. This resonance reflects towards others as we demonstrate our deep faults even against our conscious will. Defense rules. Fear not love dominates as we think "I am not good enough, so you are also not good enough because I cannot be good enough alone." Misery loves company. "And I shall continue to make it clear that I am not good enough through my choices and acts. And so you shall see it. And when you do I shall understand that it is really so and that I am the one exception in the universe (or maybe there are more of us, where can I find them? They are my real soul mates!!!!) and then I shall lament and punish myself, mea culpa, because I am indeed worthy of pain and suffering. After all, this cycle of elation and depression is a wonderful way for me to avoid embracing who I am!"

I am well aware that my text here is nasty, impolite, improper, inconsiderate, rude as all hell, and presumptuous, and definitely not good enough. Ah, tough beans! Sooner or later we have to face reality. How we deal with it defines our future.

[maha]

Dear Hari, thank you for the answer it is perfectly fine, after all it just describes how I screw up and that is true, I admit it. I do not like when people feel pity for me and your feedback instead it quite spiritually enlivening and uplifting as it reanimates the truth.

Definitely the philisohpical justification seems inappropriate here. After all philosophy is meant not just to let us feel smart but to help us find real answers for practical issues in life. Pehraps it is good when it is pacifying to justify situaions which we cannot do anything about but accept them as they are, and when we reap the fruits of our faulty understanding and are the ones who have to fix it then justification is counterprouctive. I realised that my belief system is faulty and useless already 17 years ago and since then have been trying to change it and still my head is tricking me all the time, and in a big way.. What is really pity is how we tend to blaim those who are but trying to help us and we refuse to see obvious ways to fix ourselves. Sorry for that..

[Hari]

See? I told you! You are a good person. Imagine that!

Do not worry if you are slower to understand some things than someone else. Just accept it. Your life is unique and what you have to resolve is unique to you. Figuring it all out will be the great success of your life.