Seems like people need something to talk about in certain organizations. Some time back, I heard the following from someone, "They say that you do all this simply because you need to be adored and revered, otherwise you feel useless."
Hmmm. That I feel useless unless I am of service is definitely true. I do not like to just be concerned with myself or my surroundings for this does not inspire my essence to grow or my consciousness to expand. Therefore I admit a need, a desire, and a deep wish to be of service.
As far as the need of adoration or anything related to this idea, perhaps I like to be respected for what I am and therefore appreciated as a person, but I do not consciously seek this out or make arrangements solely to be respected. I have in the past received enough adoration to last a few lifetimes. Only those who have been in such a situation can appreciate the lack of zing one receives from being adored by others. Such adoration is conditional and does not always relate to the person being adored. When I said in one of my broadcasts, "It is far more important to love than to be loved," I was speaking from realization. A person who is full of love and gives it to others always lives within that love whereas one who is adored and loved by others but does not have it themselves cannot taste love at all.
There are other reasons why the love and adoration from others is a bit of a challenge to me. It does not at all mean that I do not appreciate other's love, quite the contrary. Rather, when one is loved for what one is under all circumstances, for after all, love that is unconditional is the only real love, appreciation of that love is the naturally following perfect compliment to it. I will explain.
When I left ISKCON, those who proclaimed I was the greatest of the most wonderful of the best of the gurus and grandsons and so on, suddenly changed their mood. Where there was previously love was now coldness and rejection. This shocked me and hurt too. The worst realization was that I discovered that my understanding of their love was naiive and even worse, their love was not directed towards my person; it was directed towards my function/person. As a function/person (or as my Mom says, "A Funson") half of my existence and thus half of the love received is dependent on my function. That function is dependent on hundreds of factors that have little to do with me as a person. Because the person is melded into the function, the function/person is a different entity from the person. Since only a person can receive and give love (as functions are mechanical) the love given to the funson was limited and conditional. When I understood this I also saw the impersonal nature of the adoration offered me and I woke up from my illusions. Can you imagine my disappointment when I understood that some did not love me? This was tough since I still loved them. It took quite some time to reconcile this.
At present, people either like what I do or not. I don't worry about that since what I do is not in a one to one relation with who I am. There are some who do not like what I do, but they still like me as a person. This is interesting to me and satisfying. There are also people who like me and like what I do. This is nice too, but being around them all the time is not very healthy.
Being adored does not enter into the above relationships. The present and past forms of adoration and reverence directed towards a guru are part of a manner of looking at a teacher, guide, or assistant I do not accept, and I advise others (especially those who want to place me in such a position again) to let these ideas go.
I do what I do because I like to do it. I like to do it because I feel useful when I can be of service. I like it when I see others advance and evolve and I really like it when I see them take the tools I offer them and create wonderful things within themselves with these tools. I love it when they create their own connections and become strong and independent individuals. Just knowing that I had a part to play in their positive development makes me feel very warm and good inside.
Everyone has to get something out of what they do otherwise they lose interest in doing it. This is what I get: I get immense satisfaction knowing that I could contribute towards someone's growth and happiness. This is my only real paycheck.
If someone writes me and tells me they appreciate what I did, I like it. I am human.
There is no money exchanged for this. Some do donate for the expenses to keep this broadcast and these forums going, but I do not profit from that. I do not want anyone to be dependent on me and I do not want to be dependent on anyone. I do not want to create an organization or structure wherein everyone will end up arguing and struggling to increase their power and prestige. I do like to share and my mission is to be of service.
Anyway, how much adoration can one get when one simply signs off after a lecture? The connections are closed and the few faces on the screen vanish. From where would the adoration come? I am already infamous, there is no profit in this endeavor, and perhaps I have the distinction of being one of a few who have gotten such a broadcast lecture series together, but that means little outside of it giving me a wonderful opportunity to associate with a bunch of really nice people.
OK, I admit that I really like the people who I speak to on Saturday. I like the people, I like to do it, and I love when there is a deep impact and we can experience absolutely wonderful things together. But really, it is hard to figure out how to squeeze more out of this than that! Can someone suggest a way? On second thought, don't! Maybe I will take it!
I would much rather we remain friends and associates. When adoration or other modified forms of gurupi-isms enter into it, it makes me shudder.
Believe it or not, there really are people in this world who just like to assist others. Some even do it without getting what others would consider profit. There really are good people in this world doing really good things. I would be proud to be counted amongst this elite group that is always ready to be of service, and I pray to Their Lordships that I shall have my wish granted.
There is more to be said about this. There are many other relevant or tangential points that can be expressed. There are more things I would like to do and I don't at all mind having help to do them! But let this all manifest when it can without stress. Besides, it gives me more chances to Blog.
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