I have read these texts in this thread. It is impossible to comment on all these things and even harder to come up with a generalized statement that covers everything. I could say nothing, make a brief statement or try to explain something. Here is my attempt to say something.
I did not want to allow a discussion about my time in ISKCON as I felt it would be confusing and needlessly agitating. There are many web sites dedicated to these topics which gleefully write anything and everything about anybody. As the internet is a free world, there is nothing I can do about that. Harimedia.net was meant to be a place where everyone who wished to could interact with me as I am and find out for themselves who I am and if I have anything of value to offer others. All that counts is the present, yet there are many who live bound by the past and are therefore prisoners of it. One of the characteristics of such prisoners is they refuse to let anyone else live in the present and insist that the past rules. As time goes by it gets harder and harder to establish the facts of the past. Indeed, it is even hard to do it at the time of the events! I did not want to create a site where the past rules as this is an artificial and destructive concept. Harimedia.net is a place where the present rules and will continue to rule.
I reluctantly read the posts of those who live in the past and wonder how to respond. Perhaps there is a need to allow such a discussion within this site since, after all, I am the center of the controversy and what better place to attempt to heal the pain of the past and thus empower the present than a place where I also feel comfortable?
I do not feel comfortable sharing with other sites. I do not wish to name sites which are not objective and are pushing their own agenda yet presenting that agenda as unbiased reportage. Aware people know that the media presents only what sells or gets attention for it is not ultimately concerned with truth neither does it have the qualification to determine what is true and what is false. Determining what is the truth of a situation is very hard to do and even were two people to participate in the same event they could report it in two different ways especially when matters of opinion are involved. This is why intelligent people have established a very complex system of justice. The hardest part in any dispute is to determine the facts of a case for simply accepting everyone’s statements as true is not sufficient. Some trials take years and are often quite complex. To demonstrate how ISKCON spin off organizations have distorted the past by expressing their and other’s beliefs as true I would have to name names, make direct accusations and discuss each and every detail of what they said happened and why. I see no reason to do this since ultimately everyone believes what they wish to believe. Still, since I am a person with feelings I shall attempt to express what I can without becoming one of those who distort reality for their own sake. I have better things to do with my life than waste time responding to everything anyone throws into the ether.
Obviously I caused much pain by my departure and my anger at the society I gave so much of myself to for so long. To clarify my position on exactly how I felt about that, I wrote the following letter to the GBC which can be seen by following this link:
http://www.vnn.org/europe/EU9812/EU09-2638.html
There are other articles in this organization’s site which are expressions of the opinions of others. Since kk has cited "Harikesa Prabhu, Guide Us" and since he accepts to some extent what is stated there, perhaps even totally, I suppose someone might wish me to say something about these statements. In truth it is very hard to reply to something that is so one-sided and hysterical. Obviously this letter was not written by one of my disciples but rather was orchestrated from behind the scenes by those who wished to paint me black. Of course, painting a black image of another is easy to do, especially when those who read this have no idea of what happened. To be quite frank the author also has little idea of what really happened and why since the author was personally not there and took his ‘facts’ from others who were upset at the time. There were those who knew what really happened, but they saw no purpose to state different facts as they also did not like me after I left ISKCON. I can say that what was written was not as it was presented and when I initially read this twisted expression of personal frustration in 1998 I was disgusted that such distortions were accepted as truth.
Do you have any idea how much energy is involved in disputing such ideas? There are years of history stated in a barrage of accusations. Speaking about all that went on at the time would take months and I did not have the strength neither the desire to do it. After all, even if I showed what really happened (according to my point of view) someone else would come along and say it was not so. And again, it would boil down to a confusing barrage of facts and counter facts expressed with great passion which ultimately have no purpose other than to be the ammunition for a fight. As I did not wish to engage myself in such a useless exchange then I will not do it now. Those who wrote that text have already been personally disgraced by the same movement. There is balanced justice in the universe and I am more inclined to let that totally unbiased and fair system determine what should be done. I have no desire that anyone suffer neither do I wish to punish anyone. When the universe makes corrections it does it in a way that is beneficial to all. I think more faith in God is required by the spiritual community.
I cannot understand the point of those who come into these forums to express their frustration. Their statements follow the line of, "You were bad then. You did bad things. You hurt people and cheated everyone. You do not feel at all bad about that and you have the audacity to continue presenting yourself as someone who knows something. I would have never followed you if I knew all these things. I would have kicked you away long ago. You cheated me. You caused me pain. You should suffer. You should read these words and feel very badly. I will always feel pain. I will continue to harbor resentment and anger. Nothing can repair all the damage you did to me. Why oh why did this happen to me?"
OK, we read this over and over again and we get the point. Yes, you feel like that. I can reply to each text by saying, "No this was not so, it was really like this," or "Yes, it was something like that but not the way it was stated," or "I did not steal anything, and no I did not do those horrible things that were stated about me." I can even write about what a nice and helpful person I really am. There are those who would believe me because they believe me now. There are those who would not believe me since they do not believe me now. There are those who would say, "What is the use of wasting so much time on topics which have no relevance or value in our lives at present?" Addressing the generic complaints of the writers would not benefit them and would take a lot of time that I would rather spend trying to be of service.
After all, isn’t the point that we should be of service? Do I lose my qualification to be of service because I left a position in a movement? Certainly according to the more fanatical opinions of some I lost my qualification to be of service in ISKCON but the movement is a very small part of the world and no longer a part of my world, so this partial disqualification does not affect my capacity to be of service in some small way to the rest of the world. After all, the internet is free and you are free to take what you like or not. It is even so free that I am allowing these negative texts (some are in the form of a rant or rave) in my own web site! I am not doing this because I am a masochist, far from it for I do not enjoy this in any way. I am doing this because being of service often means accepting situations that are sent to you rather than having the luxury of dictating to the universe what you shall offer and when. Maybe at one point I will put an end to this forum? I cannot say.
I do not accept that I have nothing to offer. By accepting that idea I would be defeated in life and would be nothing but lifeless matter. Each person has much they can offer others in service and I am no exception just because I disappointed some in some way. I am not proud of disappointing people; neither do I insist that anything I said in 1998 represents what I am now, although that letter linked above still represents my feelings towards the situation quite well. It seems it took me those five months to come to some peace within myself about how I felt about the whole thing. Considering the enormous uproar in my life, five months is not too long a time to calm down and present things properly.
Sure there are records of previous conversations, but you do not know the background history of these discussions. And again, explaining them to you would just reinforce the past, even if that past were more favorable to me than the one you, kk (who represents probably hundreds others who do not have the courage to write in this forum so let’s not get on his or her case!) have presented. I look at some of those statements and the unedited and raw way they appear and say, "Oh man that looks mighty bad to me too!" However, I look at the "Guide Us" article and feel the exact same way I felt when I read it the first time, "Whoever wrote this has a lot of hate in their heart which has so blinded their vision that their hate has become their reality. I doubt anything I would say could change it just as nothing I said to that person before ever changed anything he thought. But that is the nature of that person and the task of his life is to work it out within himself."
Frankly speaking, I could write a similar diatribe about any member of ISKCON. It takes imagination, hatred, righteous indignation which allows one to twist reality to fulfill some purpose which one thinks higher, and a perverse sense that such statements could actually help others. Remember, the bigger the lie the more inclined others are to accept it. Anything published in the media is a candidate for acceptance. But do not then write to me and say, "Ok, then tell us what really happened?" Sorry, it is too complex and too old. Let it lie.
What if some of the problems you find so horrifying were related to me having to shoulder a burden far too great for me to bear? What if the positions thrown upon me were contradictory to my energy, my heart and my personality? What if the sacrifice I thought I had to make ended up sacrificing me? Maybe we should examine the situation in another way?
Before I left the movement, I dared to look deeply within ISKCON and within myself to find the root causes of the diseased manifestations that appeared there. I stated what they were. I do not hate the sources of the causes neither do I hate those who manifested the symptoms which everyone suffered from for I know that the cause and effect are linked. Pointing a finger of blame doesn’t resolve anything. I know that the cause is an effect linked to some remote cause. Such a chain of cause and effect goes back in time. Who is to be blamed and who is to set the blame? I blamed myself some time for following such a system, but after a while I realized that it was something I needed to go through to understand what I now understand. I do not lament any experience of the past neither do I hate it or myself. It was what happened. I can honestly say that I always, without exception, did what I thought was right at the time I did it. I know what I am and what I am not and I am not what was presented to you as the truth. I was not always successful in doing things that everyone liked but I certainly tried hard. More than this is not possible for anyone. This is the only criterion that means anything in the long run.
Isn’t that interesting? I mean, we can dispute our understanding of the events of the past, but all that really counts is why we did what we did. I did things considering the best of all people involved, considering what I was supposed to do and what was right. Sometimes I also did things considering what was right for me. But at all times my choices were based on what I thought was best at the time the choice had to be made. Hind-sight is certainly 20-20 and those who look backwards always have perfect vision. But those who were living at that time were in the midst of raging seas and fearful storms; doing things in a way that would please everyone was not possible. It is easy to judge what others have done but it is very hard to make the right choices in the present. This fact will never change. My present choice is to be of service now without the encumbrances of the past or being restricted to following what others say is right or want done. Yet, because you wish to express yourself as you have done I suppose I am again being directed by your desires even though I see little use to defend myself. I suppose this indicates that being of service also means exposing yourself to the idiosyncrasies of fate.
